look no pants
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize