And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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