Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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