I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize