you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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