david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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