I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This house was built for laser tag.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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