Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
