Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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