I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am mentally ready for anal.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
