Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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