I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
