He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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