I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
