I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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