I'm sorry my penis didn't work
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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