im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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