South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's shark week go big or go home
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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