dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
