he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
