she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
