my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
