What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sober January is a disaster.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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