I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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