I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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