Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
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