Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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