I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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