The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
