He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
