so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
