he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just want to make out with him forever
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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