Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
