dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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