Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
