The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
