i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Randomize
