Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
