here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Randomize
