My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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