because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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