I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
