shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
