is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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