it hurts more in the daytime
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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