So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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