i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
