just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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