Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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