listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
