he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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