youre lurking in front of me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
