If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You were trust falling into bushes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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