Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Semen is not good for contacts.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
