Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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