I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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