after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
