I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
