"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
