all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
