1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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