I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
