It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
